Unfinished Business: 7 Reasons You’re Not Getting Off

Why, oh why, is it so hard for some women to orgasm?

If you’re not having an orgasm during sex, that’s OK. Well, not OK in that you’re going without such a fantastic pleasure, but OK in that you’re definitely not alone. There are many women out there who don’t orgasm as often as they should, and some who just never get there at all.

Studies have shown that only 25 percent of women orgasm during sex, 75 percent require some sort of extra stimulation, like toys, fingers or tongue to climax, and 10 to 15 percent never, ever have orgasm at all. Ever. Those are not very pretty stats, especially since 75 percent of men claim to orgasm all the time. (So unfair, isn’t it?) But why, oh why, is it so hard for some women to orgasm?

While the female orgasm is still somewhat of a mystery, doctors and scientists have figured out a few reasons why women aren’t climaxing, from stress to your high heels. Of course, unless you’re dealing with a medical issue that’s preventing you from having an orgasm, every woman’s reason as to why they are not, is different. If you’re having a hard time reaching an orgasm either alone or with your partner, here are seven possible reasons why.

1. You sit in a chair all day

You may think you’re not doing any major damage by simply sitting in a chair all day at work, but spending too much time in a chair can shorten the muscles of the pelvic floor. What this means, in regards to orgasms, is that the tightness of these muscles can stand in the way of climaxing. You should always make it a point to get up and do stretches throughout the day.

2. You’re on anti-depressants

It seems pretty unfair that a medicine necessary to keep us on an even keel would play a part in how we orgasm, but it does. Unfortunately anti-depressants can mess up what’s going on in the pleasure department of the brain making it extremely hard, if not impossible, for both men and women to climax. Luckily for women, direct clitoral stimulation can help in that area. If not, then you should talk to your doctor about trying another brand of anti-depressants.

3. Stress

When you have a dozen things on your itinerary and not enough time in the day to do them all, the least of your concerns is having an orgasm during sex. In fact, sex itself, can feel like a chore. Taking time to put your stresses on hold, being in the moment, and reaching for a glass of wine can help you unwind and maybe even achieve orgasm.

4. You wear high heels too often

The reason high heels make us feel sexy is because the arch of the shoe sort of mimics the way the pelvic floor moves and contractions close to orgasm. So weird, right? But yet, it’s true. Explains Dr. Eden Fromberg of SoHo OBGYN, “An orgasm is usually like going from zero to 60. If you’re already at 55 [from wearing heels], you’re not going to have a full experience.” All those flats in your closet are looking pretty good right now, huh?

5. You don’t drink enough water

As much as I would love to say that the key to more orgasms is several martinis, alcohol can actually be the kiss of death when it comes to having an orgasm. However, drinking water and other hydrating fluids helps orgasms, because our bodies need water and work more properly with water in them. Yes, this mean you really should finally kick your DC habit. Some even stand by the fact that a full bladder will make for an easier and more intense orgasm.

6. You’re too distracted

I’m not just talking about distractions from stress, but distractions that come with personal insecurities. If you’re concerned about the way you look, smell, skills, or even the sometimes-bizarre noises that come with having sex, you’re never going to be able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Men are very visual creatures; they want to see you in all your nakedness, and guess what? All vaginas smell! Get over your hang-ups and go with it. In the heat of the moment, your partner isn’t going to care about your stretch marks, or even if you fart — you’re human, and they are, too.

7. You’re not sure how to “work it”

This has nothing to do with your technique in bed, but everything to do with how well you know your body and how it works. According to sexologist Betty Dodson, Ph.D., “The most important aspect for any woman wanting to become orgasmic is to explore her own body and discover what she likes, what feels good, and how to have orgasms alone before engaging in sex with a partner.” No matter how long it takes, experimenting with your body and finding what gets you off is one of the best ways to finally have an orgasm.